contemplation over hot chocolate

The Traffic Jam Snowball Effect: (noun): when one good decision made in a traffic jam snowballs your driving from safe to yelling at the top of your lung in your air-conditioned car at the a-hole that just cut you off. See examples below:

When you are trying to turn left from a busy intersection with no left-hand turn signal, there will always be some idiot behind you in a HUGE Escalade blaring its monstrous horn at you because you decided not to turn onto incoming traffic. Then, during the next light, this Escalade idiot will proceed to drive around you into incoming traffic, but successfully turn left, while you are left with people trying to go through the yellow light to make up for the fact that they all just avoided a potentially huge traffic accident…and then when you turn left, everyone on the other side of the street trying to turn left are making faces at you.

You start getting impatient at the next traffic signal, because not only is the Evil Escalade in front of you, but you can’t see a damn thing and are starting to wonder why you haven’t moved in the last 30 seconds. You finally are able to catch a glimpse of construction workers staring at the problem: the next street light is blinking red. And why is it that construction workers who probably caused the problem in the first place are always standing around LOOKING at the problem but doing nothing about it? Ugh!

By the time the Evil Escalade has sped off into the Wrigleyville sunset, you are annoyed, seething, sweating, and not even the mind-numbing beat of the Black Eyed Peas can keep you from wanting to flick off the next person who makes a face at you. You let some other car into this hellhole they call Montrose because you are a good, nice Christian, and of course, the guy you let in is smiling at you and waving at you for being soo nice and letting him in…but he’s NOT MOVING! WTF?! Are you seriously trying to flirt with me right now, Mr. 1980 Jeep Grand Cherokee?! Ok, fine you’re cute, but do you really need to stop the traffic behind me?! EITHER MERGE INTO THE LANE OR I’M GONNA GIVE YOU MY INSURANCE NUMBER BECAUSE I AM IN NO MOOD TO DEAL WITH YOU RIGHT NOW!!!!!

You hyper-venalate. You try to close your eyes and count to ten. Except you’re driving and that would be bad. You’re almost home, you tell yourself.

Too bad when you try to turn right onto your street, an idiot biker that was born yesterday decides he has the right of way and zooms right past you as you were about to turn your steering wheel. I wonder who would’ve won that fight, you say to yourself as the voices in your head are seething with expletives.

You make it home in one piece, except for some reason, you’re feeling light-headed, sweating, and suddenly feel the urge to kick someone or something…but you settle for a glass (or 2) of wine instead.

That, my dear friends, is an example of The Traffic Jam Snowball Effect.

So I love reading all my blogs on Google Reader, and there is one called Making It Lovely that I absolutely love…and she had this list of 30 things to do before 30, and I decided, what the hell? Why not. So here is my list. I’ll start keeping tabs starting today, and hopefully have them all complete by the time I turn 30! (yes, it’s next year, and yes, so looking forward to it!) There’s stupid stuff and silly stuff and stuff that probably will never happen, but I feel like if I put it out into the universe, maybe I’ll actually do them! So here it is, with an explanation of why in parenthesis (not that you asked!)

30 things to do before 30

1. Import my physical CDs into iTunes and start a CD Swap.  (I used to love stealing boyfriends’ music…alas I have accumulated too many discs)

2. Read Breaking Dawn. (I’ve read every one but that one, which I hear is the best one. Must read)

3. Learn how to properly use my Mac without the help of Google. (Seriously, sick of googling “how to reboot a mac”)

4. Make more money by selling off stuff I don’t use anymore and making an ebay account / amazon account (gotta make more money to pay stupid special special assessments!)

5. Teach Ollie new tricks. (just in case I ever want a second career as a dog trainer…)

6. Have one room in my studio at least look like I put some thought into the design. (ugh. My studio still doesn’t look “adult” or reflect my personality! Help, HGTV!)

7. Learn to play one song from The Fray on the piano. (I’ve had a friend’s piano in my place for more than a year now, and haven’t taught myself anything!)

8. Pay off at least one credit card. (I’d love to be debt free by age 30, but with a mortgage and student loans, not to mention credit cards…paying off one would be nice!)

9. Lose 10 pounds. (If only to make my jeans fit better.)

10. Drink at least 5 glasses of water a day. (I should be drinking 15 glasses, but let’s take baby steps.)

11. Visit a place I haven’t been. (just because)

12. Go a whole day without complaining. (ha, because it’s hard for me!)

13. Write in both blogs consecutively for one week. (to justify my “writing” hobby)

14. Complete a crossword puzzle. (because I suck at crosswords)

15. Write a new song.

16. Write a short story.

17. Start the Harry Potter series. (because I finally have them all)

18. Sell off all my books that I don’t care about and get a Kindle or Nook. (I know, I know, but I love books too much and don’t have enough square footage for them all!)

19. Read Emerson. (All the quotes I love are from Emerson, so I really should read his books)

20. Learn to meditate for 10 minutes. (My mind is active 20 hours a day with overcontemplations. Must quiet the voices…)

21. Do yoga at least once a week. (kinda goes with meditating, must learn to relax!)

22. Help Ollie lose 10 pounds. (because he should be 22 pounds, not 36!)

23. Get a tattoo (or stop talking about getting one) (because I have wanted one since 2003 but am a commitment-phobe)

24. Cook something new once a week. (if not to just expand my culinary non-abilities)

25. Find my favorite wine. (right now, I know it’s pinot noir, but haven’t found my favorite brand yet.)

26. Install a headboard and TV in my “bedroom”. (because I want a big girl bed!)

27. Find a high end/low end signature scent. (eh, just because I like to smell nice)

28. Learn how to sew (or at least hem my pants) (because I will be short for the rest of my life, and so will my pants)

29. Watch the entire Battlestar Gallactica series (because I’m a nerd)

30. Make an electronic scrapbook of my semester in London (from 2003!) (because it was the best time and must be preserved!)

I don’t understand it. I like to be active. At least I like to keep my mouth active because I talk a lot. I have opinions. And I like sports. But sports don’t like me.

Ollie and I went for a long walk to the lake Monday with my Shape-Ups that I’ve had forever. And they totally work if you go for long distances. By the time we got home an hour later, my calves were burning. And I’m like, alright! Look at me be active. Yay.

So today, it’s nice out, and I’m like, I’m gonna go for a run. Granted a run for me is a jog/walk with skipping in between. But then I saw a rollerblader and was like, YES! Let me get out my rollerblades and skate around. I haven’t done that for ages! (In retrospect, there might be a reason why). So I walk Ollie, leave him in the house and put on my roller blades (and even my protective wrist guards). “It’s like riding a bike” I tell myself. And it was…until I got to the lakefront bike trail.

You can only guess what happened next.

I’m nearing the Montrose LSD exit, which is slightly ramped, and I’m like, I got this. I can stop. Heel down. I can totally stop. Heel REALLY down. Oh shit. So I try a T-stop, because, you know, that’s what all the cool bladers do. Turns out, I’m neither cool nor a blader, so I fall. And not just any fall. A fall that you see from a long distance and cringe, and say, boy I’m glad that wasn’t me….into the rocky path I go, flailing arms and all. I’m embarrassed. I’m sweating (and we all know how much I love sweating), and I’m like, nice. This sucks. A nice girl on a bike asked if I was alright, and said it happens to everyone, so don’t sweat it, which I thought was nice, but still. Now I’m hurting and sweating and just want to go home. Too bad I don’t have shoes. So I have to blade home. Long story short, it takes me about 15 minutes to walk-blade my sore ass home (I live about 5 from the trail).

So I come home defeated, but I say, hey, I’m already sweaty, why don’t I just go for a run/jog/walk? So I take off the blades and tie up the shoes and I’m not half way down the block when I trip over the sidewalk and fall into the grass onto a pile of dog poop.

And I’m done.

Now, as I sit here with a makeshift ice pack on my ankle that is now swollen, I start to wonder…why is it that every time I attempt to be active, activity kicks me (literally) in the ass?!

So tomorrow, I’m sitting on my ass and being a bum.

I hate sweating. Don’t get me wrong, I know it’s good for me, and I should do it more because that means I’m actually exercising for health benefits, but I hate sweat. I hate sweating on my clothes, I hate the sweat that migrates from the inside of my knees to my ankles, I hate the beads of sweat dripping down my forehead when I’ve only walked a half of a block.I hate the mustiness of the air, I hate the dust I can see in the air, I hate the fact that I can only walk a block before Ollie’s tongue is hanging out the side of his mouth. And I hate how tired I get in this heat.

What I love is sweater weather. I love crisp apples. I love pumpkins and the smell of the roasting chestnuts. I like closed-toe heels and lace-up oxfords and pageboy hats. I like brown leaves and red leaves and leaves of all colors. I like lake breezes and the smell of change in the air. I like sharpened pencils and new school supplies and deep, rich color names like burgundy, indigo and mahogany.  I like twilight at 8 and sunrise at 6. I like sipping pinot noir outside under a blanket while reading a book. I like when my hair isn’t a giant frizz ball. I like being able to wear a metal necklace and not get scarred.

In other words, I love fall. I’d hate to admit this, but I’m ready for fall. Give me sweater weather over excessive heat warning any day!

My daily yay today is just from personal experience. I am in no way getting compensated for this (although, if Sporn decided to compensate me, I wouldn’t say no necessarily…)

Here’s the abridged version of my dog Ollie’s “pulling” problem:

When I first walked him, he chokes himself because the leash is attached to the collar and he’s pulling it like there’s no tomorrow. I’m starting to wonder if this was such a good idea…

Fast forward to one day at the groomers (who still trim his nails despite his bloody murder cries) I notice a harness on the wall that seems to be something worth trying, even though it’s about $30. Buy it anyway, with promise of return if it doesn’t work. It works! He pulls, but not so much that I have to ice my shoulder. I’m happy.

Fast forward to this year. I either have the smartest dog in the world, or he’s just a natural born adapter. He has learned that if he takes a running start at pulling, the harness doesn’t really hold him back, it just mildly applies pressure. So, zoom he goes, and my shoulder has almost been pulled out of its socket a million times over.

Fast forward to today. Got this WONDEROUS product called “The Sporn Mesh Harness” that claims to “stop pulling instantly”. Yeah, right, I say, but I order it anyway, because frankly, I’m desperate at this point, and my four-year old harness is starting to fray.

OMG. This thing is a miracle worker. Not only does it somehow stop Ollie from pulling, but he actually walks ALONG SIDE me, instead of zigzagging like he normally does. It’s AMAZING.

So, it was a little awkward to put on, but right now, after our normal 1/2 mile walk where I am usually so mad that he’s pulling that I let him run up the stairs sans leash, Ollie is actually WAITING for ME to walk up the stairs.

I’m hoping this feeling never ends.

Buy it here