RSS Feed

March, 2004

  1. Contemplations: Pseudo-ville returns

    March 31, 2004 by me

    “Never apologize for showing feeling. When you do so, you apologize for the truth.” –Disraeli

    It’s a very strange place to be. In-between. Pseudo. Do I know what I want? No. But I know I don’t want to be the “in-between” girl. I deserve better than that. Why shouldn’t I want someone to love me unconditionally? Perhaps this is someones way of telling me that I have become to clingy & I need to be independent again. Maybe I am becoming too depended on people making me feel better when I should be able to be dependent on myself.

    That’s the point. I rely too heavily on other people’s feedback of myself, when I should just be able to deal with myself. Maybe his problem of commitment now shouldn’t be taken personally, and should be looked at as a good thing-I can discover who I want and what I want while having unconditional love from a dear friend. I have had so many memories in such a short amount of time, I have smiled more with him than I have in a long time, that something tells me that no matter what happens, I will have a great, might I say best (?) friend forever. And maybe I am jealous that 2 of my friends are moving in with their boyfriends, another engaged, another on the verge of a title, while I am still trying to figure out what I want in life. And again, why am I comparing my life with another’s? Why should anything matter except what I think and feel? Why do I tend to dismiss my thoughts and feelings for other’s opinions on my thoughts or feelings? Perhaps this is me figuring out who I am…on my own terms.

    Life of a twentysomething is a life of self-analysis and pondering :)

    Category Contemplations. | Tags: | No Comments

  2. Contemplations: Last week of Collegiate nonsense

    March 28, 2004 by me

    No one’s here for me, I hear nothing but my own tears falling. No one’s missing me, not even for a moment. No one’s wondering what I am doing right now. No one’s listening to my self-distructive thoughts in my head.

    I feel empty and cold. I feel old. I havent felt alive since he left. And I long for that feeling again. I feel lost. Confused. Future unknown. Life path unknown. I sit in limbo, waiting, for something wonderful to happen, even though I know it wont.

    Why am I so negative? Why have I lost hope? Everyone’s got someone else to cope. Where’s mine? Where’s my teddy bear to squeeze, and tell me all will be alright? Where is the joy that once shown in my eyes?

    I feel so defeated, although I dont know why. I have no idea where to turn, because I can’t see anyone’s eyes. I sit and look at my lonely state, and all I can do is whine and hate. For I know it’s my fault for not going out. But when I feel like this, who would want to talk to me? I feel so alone in this lonely town now buzzing with life and college tunes. I cant help but feel, “Have I lost out?” But I know in my heart, I’ve checked out.

    So now all I can do is wait, cause I cant afford to pass the time at will. A plane to another place I would kill for. But alas, my luck has never been that great. For although I stay here until a forced date, this limbo of waiting is now my fate.

    Until someone can entertain my world, I sit trapped, lonely, and waiting for my wrath to be unfurled. For I feel a change coming, but it’s not fast enough. I definitly know one thing though…I have had enough.

    Some say the last few weeks should be the ones to cherish, but I just feel I want to get this over with. For its been five years in the making, and it’s time to say goodbye, to this, my overextended book of college life. And although there were more tears than most, there will be tears of happiness when I will be able to boast, about the time I spent in TinsleTown, and hopefully, returning home, will remove this permanent frown.

    For I’ve not been happy for quite some time, here and there, but never sublime. The English made me smile, but that was it, I dont think I am cut out to survive this Hollywood shit. I am threw with this town and its people galore. I am sick of being lonely and called “a bore”.

    I know who I am when I am not around this place, and frankly, the me here has been a disgrace. For how can I be me when I cant even smile? I left her somewhere on the Magnificant Mile. I miss a skyline, I miss the non-smogged sun, I miss not having to prove myself when the day is done. I cant even remember when I felt at peace, with people, with my life, but especially with me. I’m sick of feeling like I dont belong, and I keep on wondering, “Did I choose wrong?”

    For now I know LA is not for me, but how do I survive these next weeks of hell without screaming? Can someone answer that for me ?

    Category Contemplations. | Tags: | No Comments

  3. Story Time: A Facade

    March 27, 2004 by me

    I don’t know what it is about this place, but I think I might be over it.

    I see the eager frosh-to-be touring the campus, and I smile, but not because I’m envious for an innocent time. Just because I know I will never have to be like them again.

    I’m over the frat parties and the random hookups. I take pride in knowing that someone out there loves the real stefi, and appreciates her and misses her–whether or not a title is present. I’m over the red cups and the 30 packs drunk and split all over the kitchen floor for me to step on. I;m over tripping over the drunken guests passed out on the couches and floors. I’m over the bottles being thrown off the balcony at 4 o’clock in the morning. I’m just over it.

    I’m over the beauty of this place. For although the campus is beautiful in this morning’s sunlight, how can I love a place when I know what lies beyond it’s boundaries? How can I love a place so much but hate existing in it? How can someone like me survive in a place where everything, even the building structure itself, is fake? Where people judge on a dime, and no one takes the time to get to know your last name. How can I be in a place where I cant even be me (or the person I want to be?) I don’t know where that place lies, but it certainly doesn’t lie here.

    I am over feeling empty and alone because I don’t drink, scratch that, don’t get drunk every night. I’m over my frat brothers thinking I’m a loser/loner because I dont get wasted every single fucking day. I’m sick of feeling like I’m a loser if I dont go out and get drunk. If they only knew how I was when I am around people I trust, they’d probably like me better. But again, no one has taken the time to get to know the “real” me, and I refuse to be friends with people I have no respect for.

    I’m sick of the sunbathers in front of Leavey. I’m sick of being looked down upon because I’d rather read my magazines than go to a frat party. I’m sick of not feeling apart of anything anymore. I’m sick of not feeling alive and real! I’m really sick of working for people I don’t respect. I’m sick of driving everywhere. I’m sick of walking around the neighborhood and feeling bad that I have a Coach bag or an iPod. I’m sick of the Row.

    I’m sick of this place. I think I finally might be ready to leave, and come home. And that’s a great feeling, home, that no one can take away.

    I refuse to feel bad for finally feeling good.

    Category Contemplations., Life Observations., Story Time. | Tags: | No Comments

Older Entries