Why, in a new relationship that you think is going well, does the ex-factor invade? Unless you are dating a freshman in the dating college of life (god bless you for it), you, as a single, independent woman, are going to be compared to the ex. No matter how wonderful or horrible she was, you will inevitably fall into the comparison chart in every aspect, from clothing style to sexual position. In my current single status, I have learned from my ex beau that he used to be romantic, dropping off flowers at apartment doors just because. And since his last girlfriend didn’t appreciate them for all their beauty, as I inevitably would, I was not allowed to have drive-by flowers. In fact, because of her, I was not allowed to have expensive dinners, long walks on the beach, or jewelry. And I tried to play the “cool” girlfriend card, brushing off the comparisons about how she hated video games, and how cool I was that I could beat his roommates in MarioKart. But that gave me more best friend status than girlfriend status. To him, he never needed to do anything romantic, because we were just casually dating, I wasn’t at all like his ex, who had the ring picked out, along with the condo, BMW, and 2.5 kids. I was the cool new girlfriend, who never expected anything.
But as the best friend/casual fling thing eventually turned into the girlfriend title, things changed. Why does everything change with this title? It’s just that: a title. Why did I treat it like a ring on my finger? Often times, with the title, comes responsibility, obligation. And expectation. Now, every time he compared me to the ex, which was more now than ever, I didn’t let it slide off me. I took it to heart, because, after all, we were exclusively dating, and that meant we were seeing each other, not seeing each other and the ghosts of exs past. I probably wouldn’t have a problem with the ex factor if it wasn’t for the fact that I was friends with all my exs…for some reason, I have always been able to maintain a friendship with the exs. In fact, some of these exs are my best friends, who are constantly telling me I expect too much from guys, and no one will live up to my idea of a perfect man…but I digress. Exs were showing up everywhere, even in relationship terms like the expectation of flowers on Valentine’s Day (and everyday I was sad), the exchange of phone numbers or apartment keys, the explaining and excuses for being late to movie night…the list goes on and on. Being exclusive meant being able to handle all the exceptional baggage that came with this exceptional man. There was a reason you started dating him, right?
So what is it about the ex-factor that is so intimidating? Is it the fact that I have been screwed over more than once because his ex screwed him over? Am I getting ex-screwed? Should I not care about this, and be happy that I have someone who loves me for who I am, or should I really care, sit him down, and tell him that he needs to leave his ex baggage at the door? After all, there is an ex in exit, isn’t there?