To you, it's a small star. To me, it's so much more.
I’m a big talker, but not a big walker.
Let me explain. I can talk and analyze my way through life like nobody’s business. I can talk about changing this (see painting my apt), or doing that (see exercise class), but when it comes to execution, I don’t walk the walk, I don’t even put on the shoes. I over-analyze until I’m blue in the face and people are so sick of me talking about it that they tell me to “shit or get off the pot”. So it comes to no surprise that when, 8 years ago, I told everyone who’d listen that I wanted a tattoo and I was going to get one (eventually), everybody was like, “Yeah, ok, sure, whatever, Stefi”.
So when Liz wanted to go this weekend, I was like, yeah ok, whatever. It’s on my 31 before 31 list, why not? Of course, anyone who knows me knows I OVER-ANALYZED getting it to death on Friday. Researched “inner wrist tattoo pain” on the internet. Drew on my wrist a bazillion times (so much so that the next day, it was bruised!) Lost sleep over it. Asked veteran Liz about twelve zillion questions, like, how much will it hurt, what if it get bloody?, and other exceedingly asinine questions because I am an over analyzer. I am a catastrophe-izer. I will run worst case scenarios in my head until the cows come home, all for the sake of my “sanity”.
And, of course, it comes to no surprise, that the actual outcome of this over-analysis was me over-analyzing why I made such a big deal about it in the first place. Because honestly, as much as I freaked out about my arm falling off, or me fainting, or the gazillion other things that ran through my head while sitting for what was literally 3 minutes of minor minor pain for one awesome tattoo, it was so not a big deal. Which of course, made me ponder why I over-analyze life so much.
I guess it stems for just doing the “worst case scenario so you’re prepared” kinda thinking, but lately, with life and relationships and whatnot, I realize, if you prepare for the worst, you spend all this effort exhausting and obsessing and analyzing, when you could just be enjoying life, or a relationship, or just be present for the moment. And for me, it was the “ah-ha!” moment of realizing, at that moment, surrounded by friends and a complete stranger, fulfilling something I’ve talked about exhaustively for 8 years, at that moment, I was exactly where I was supposed to be.
And I do now realize that I am analyzing my over-analysis of getting a tattoo, but it just made me realize, while yes, it’s permanent and that’s scary, even for this commitment-phobe, it will always remind me to just be. To enjoy life and the adventure it brings. And while it’s good to research and plan out certain events in your life so you don’t regret it, sometimes it’s good to just go with the flow, and see where the wind takes you. To just “let go”. Which, ironically, is what I want my next tattoo to be…
This is my "I'm trying so hard to be cool, but I'm totally not" face.
But I have to thank my friends for being there. Had it not been for Liz setting it all up so I wouldn’t chicken out and holding my sweaty palm during the process, Missy making me laugh and explaining how “uncool” I was (I’m sorry I didn’t know what 187 or NWA was!) and Chang just being Zen Chang, there is no way I would’ve gone through with it. It’s nice to have the friends that will show up for the 3 minutes of my first tattoo just to make sure I wouldn’t wuss out that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. And even though, courtsey of Chang and Liz, I have now become an over-analysis verb (as in “You’re totally Stefi-izing it”), I will always remember this day and it will always bring a smile to my face.
Meanwhile, this was Liz's tattoo...
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