I like to questions everything. Analyze and collect the evidence to prove why things happen the way they do. (I was always an inquisitive kid). And while I was always asking “why”, I was also trying to read the signs…because I could not be satisfied by just knowing, I had to know how we got there.
It started out so good. Signs/fortuity/happenstance were everywhere. I took them all positively…She’s smiling at me, she must like something I’ve done recently…He’s thinking about me at the exact moment I’m thinking about him, it must be fate… (the naivety of me makes me gag a little on my own analytical phlegm sometimes).
I would read into signs ad nausea. If you can believe it, a sprig of rosemary became a top ten list of everything a new boy (hence called “Music Man”) and I had in common (turns out, we actually do have a lot in common, but a sprig of rosemary?! Really?!) Suddenly, I was reading into everything that happened to me as “a sign”…the light turning green just as I was about to stop?! Insanity! Someone inviting me to lunch at the EXACT moment I rose from my chair?! Craziness! Music Man calling me at the exact moment that I was about to?! I mean, come on, that’s a sign that we’re destined for each other, right?! (quit laughing) My optimistic sign reading was suddenly turning every happenstance into a pre-destined footprint in my mind, and I was on cloud 9.
However…while on cloud 9, fortuitous acts of pre-determined events also turned me into a raving lunatic, comparing everything (and let’s be honest, anything) that was going wrong in my life to a “doomsday scenario”. A friend snapping at me unexpectedly? She must really hate me and want to stop being friends…Music Man not returning my texts right away? He must be making out with someone else, or else he’s trying to figure out a way to break up with me. My boss not saying hi to me in the bathroom? She must be planning on firing me….This is what I like to call my “falling down the rabbit hole” moments, and embarrassingly enough, they happen more often than I like to admit.
So it comes to no surprise that when given time to reflect on certain events in the past couple weeks, I start to explore the rabbit hole and wonder: how the hell do I get myself in these situations (in my mind)?!
Have you ever been so paralyzed by your analysis of life that, what you think you are controlling is, in fact, out of your control? I’ve been feeling a little out of control of my current life situations lately. Nothing necessarily bad, just learning for the first time in my life that I may just need to take a deep breath and let life wash over me, instead of constantly feeling the need to tread water. I have this consistent urge to control every facet of my life, (including those in it) the best I can, to the best of my ability, and lately, I’ve wanted to take that Type-A part of my brain out back and pummel the over-analysis right out of it…Teach it to take the “zen” approach to life and just be.
But when reality sets in, I start to analyze why I need to control everything, and I start to realize, things are happening exactly like they’re supposed to. I like to say, “there’s no such thing as a coincidence”, but let’s be honest…would the word “coincidence” exist if there were no such thing?
Is it a coincidence that I am writing this blog post after watching an episode of “Once Upon a Time” that had the quote, “If you need evidence for everything, Emma, you’re gonna find yourself stuck in one place for a long time.” Faith is something I’ve never really had…in myself, mostly, so when certain people call me out on my lack of trust in myself, I immediately go into analysis mode and try to figure out why…when maybe I should just say, “Yeah, I’m lacking a little faith in the unknown right now, and I feel like I have no faith in my abilities. But I’m still here.” Maybe that would shut both them and my mind up.
What do you do when you start to lose the hope and faith in the optimism of life you once had? When things feel so out of your control, how do you know if your ship’s being led in the right direction, or if you’re even on the right boat? What in life gives you that comfort of knowing that everything will work itself out?
Because even though I find myself blindly jumping into situations that I know might not end in my favor, I feel like the only thing I can control is my attitude towards this blind leap of faith in life. To stop looking for the evidence of my over-analytical nature and just be. To just let it go. Leave it up to the gods and have life figure it out for once. To just have a little more faith that no matter what, life will work itself out exactly how it’s supposed to. And above all, stop trying to figure it all out. That’s what my 20s were for. It’s time to just enjoy life. Come what may.
So is it a sign that after writing this post, I feel a little less chaotic and a little more centered than I did an hour ago? I’ll leave that analysis up to you.
